Dark, dark day…

I was hoping to get much more mileage out of The Lark piece below, but alas, other things to write about. I am sitting on the Aberdeen Boat Club playground after swimming for an hour with the kids. I made the decision that I had to remove the kids from our household for the whole day to give G&M a full break in addition to their day off tomorrow. This week we had an episode of amah drama… in a nutshell, the wife (Marianne) of our new husband/wife team, who are replacing Lita & De, wants to leave. She told Tess the job was too stressful and she is having a hard time adjusting to all of it: the kids, the pressure, the busyness and especially the cooking because she is not a cook by nature.

This news landed on Tess as she was about to leave for a weekend Christian mission trip to China. I arrived home last night about 1 AM from my China business trip after Tess left.  I had a work issue that kept me up until 3:30 AM. I slept until 8 AM then we left for triplet swimming lessons. Seb dutyfully watched a portable DVD (Veggie Tales) while we swam. This week was Jasper’s turn to swim with dad. Sela melted down at this reminder. She refused to swim with Marianne: cried, whined, screamed. By the time the whole thing was over we’d missed half the lesson.

When we arrived home I sent the kids to the playground with Gary so Marianne and I could talk. Her explanation was amazingly mature and insightful. Most amah dramas shift blame. Her’s didn’t. She told me: (1) "I am insecure when reacting to your children. I really believe they don’t like me." This didn’t surprise me. The kids’ treatment of our helpers is atrocious, with Carys probably the exception. Everything we do fails to get the kids to love & respect them. Lately they’ve been particularly beligerant not only to G&M, but also Tess & me.

(2) "I am not learning how to cook fast enough." I thought things were going okay here but Marianne elaborated…

(3) "Tess needs someone she can rely on and offload things to. I don’t think I am a good enough helper for what Tess needs."

There was no drama… just very specific issues presented in a way where Marianne was seeking responsibility. We talked about it for a while and I assured her not to worry about the situation. I knew she needed space. I packed up stuff for the day: fresh swim suits, books, sweaters in case it got chilly, loaded the kids in the car and we left.

Our first stop was Chi Fu, a local, large residential complex with a small shopping mall good for inexpensive stuff. After going to an ATM for cash we went hunting for books. I bought each one of the kids a drawing/writing book and multi-coloured pen. (The kind that has 6 different coloured pens in the one pen.) We drove to the ABC, sitting ourselves down in a booth for lunch. I wrote the kids’ names on each book and showed them how to use the pens. Intrigued, they wanted to try them right away. "Not yet," I replied, "first we have to have a talk because I have something sad to tell you."

For the next fifteen minutes while we waited for lunch, I talked to the kids about their recent behavior. I had each one of them remember moments of unacceptable behavior. Sebastian was the first to deny his guilt. "Who scratched Gary on Wednesday night? Who wrote on the wall after Gary painted it, making it so beautiful?" I asked. "I did," replied Sebastian.

Next Jasper denied being unkind to G&M. I looked at him, "Jasper, who had two fights with mommy this week? Who hit mommy at dinner? Who told Marianne ‘I don’t like you?’ hnnnnh?" His face sank. He knew he was busted. Then Sela tried her hand at denial, to which she was trumped. Carys emerged relatively unscathed until I asked them about whining and whinging and yelling. They sat there, staring at me, not sure what was next. "Have you been treating G&M nicely?" They all sheepishly admitted their guilt. Then the punchline…

"The sad part about this whole thing, is that Marianne thinks you don’t like her…" I explained as simply and clearly as I could. The triplets struggled with this notion, but Sebastian sat there stone faced. "You know what I am talking about don’t you, Sebastian?" His sad little face nodded. After that I said all the right things I could think of… including how privileged they were to have G&M, to live in Hong Kong, to have so many things done for them. I explained that things were going to change and they would be expected to help out A LOT more. Finally they all agreed in their child-like way that we needed to apologise and ask forgiveness." Sebastian said a little prayer, and remarkably each triplet responded with their own mumbled prayer. Lunch arrived – chinese style fried rice, hold the veggies. I served the rice and said, "THIS… IS… YOUR… LUNCH… if you don’t like it, you WILL be hungry." They wolfed it down.

Following lunch we had a wonderful 30 – 45 minutes of relatively quiet time as they each drew in their new books with their new pens. I thought this time was quite good because it balanced out the mild rebuking with quiet fun. Then it was off to swimming and the playground.

You might be wondering about Carys in all this, who is actually quite well behaved towards the world. At one point when she had to do a wee wee, she and I had a few minutes alone. While she sat on the toilet I kneeled before her at eye-level. I thanked her for treating G&M and Tess nicely. "You’re very good about those things Carys. Can you please help Seb, JJ and Sela be good about those things, too?" She replied with a relieved "yes."

Flash forward: it is now 9 pm and the kids are in bed. In the middle of writing the above, Sebastian and Jasper had an incident of mutual and unjustified aggression. I pulled them into the penalty box for a time-out. They joked about it. Warning 1. They joked about it some more. Warning 2. They kept on joking. Busted… they had just lost the privilege of staying at the ABC for dinner. Unhappiness descended upon them. Had Tess been there I would have come home with the boys and she would have stayed for dinner with the girls. I dwelled on what to do, aware that it was risky to dump two sullen toddlers on G&M then still have dinner with the girls. Finally after ten minutes I gathered all four in a circle. I explained what would have happened had Tess been there. "Instead," I said, "this cost the whole team dinner at the ABC." They all accepted that but weren’t thrilled. (Above: Sebastian & Jasper contemplate being busted during their time-outs while Carys & Sela continue to play.)

At home the kids had dinner. Gary immediately grabbed all our gear to look after it. "Uh, thanks Gary but the kids will clean that up," I said. Sela had a meltdown because she got orange yoghurt instead of purple yoghurt so I put her to bed. The remaining three then helped me unpack our gear. JJ and Carys then went to bed. Lately we’ve been helping Sebastian a lot with practise printing… tonight’s practise involved writing Gary two apology notes. Remarkably Seb wrote them with much more enthusiasm than most of what he has previously written. (Click on the pics to see the enlarged versions.)

This whole thing, and the quite difficult week that lay in my wake, has me re-assessing what exactly Tess and I are doing in Hong Kong with our family. We have friends who have seen their children develop very poorly in relation to the concept of helpers. In one case HK-based parents (Canadian citizens) were back in Canada for Christmas several years ago. Their kids refused to help clean-up after a holiday dinner, while the Canadian in-law kids cleaned up voluntarily. Those parents came back to Hong Kong, immediately handed in notice to their employers and were back in Canada permanently within 30 days. Sometimes I look at my four and wonder if we are on the same path.  Who knows… I am so tired right now that I can’t really draw any conclusions. But I have one thing to add… this will probably drive the non-Christians crazy…

I am really clear that God has laid a path before me, with specific accomplishments to achieve. Until I complete those tasks no doors will open and I’ll be frustrated as all get out. But this past week something very, very profound happened to me that has been brewing for a few months, probably as profound or more profound than my original 1982 calling. God said scripturally and very simply offered a one degree course correction, "this way."

"Uh, hello, wait a minute, who is calling?"

"Go this way, Charles, it will help you get the tasks done."

"Okay, wait a minute you can’t just say…"

"This way, Charles, go this way to get it done."

"B-b-but, um… er… uh… huh, huh, huh…"

"This way, Charles."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

"That way?"

"That way."

"Now?"

"Now."

I don’t wanna…

Sela is going through a nasty temper tantrum phase. She knows that Lita will be leaving in a few weeks and is already giving the new team, Gary and Marianne, attitude and the cold shoulder every so often, resulting in time-outs as pictured at left. (There is about a one month transition between the two helper couples.) On another but soon to be related note, we finally surrendered to water wings for the triplets (and Sebastian on occasion)  in June. I’m not sure why we waited so long before using them. The difference is HUGE… the triplets love being in the water and it’s possible for one adult to watch all three and stay out of trouble. This past week I bought brand new Speedo water wings that are very reliable at holding air and keeping the kids buoyant. Therefore, yesterday and today I took all four kids to the ABC (Aberdeen Boat Club) for swimming… by myself. Saturday we had a fantastic time with the kids spending most of our 2.5 hours there in the big pool. The overcast skies kept crowds away and we had the pool mostly to ourselves. Swimming was followed by a fun shower and the surprise arrival of Tess who joined us for dinner.

Today the ABC was busier. Tess remained at home again to get some work done. Generally everything went okay until it was time for our shower. While gathering up our stuff beside the pool Sela spotted cookies in our bag. She wanted one. "Not before dinner," I replied, "we can all have one after dinner." This set her off like a rocket. A train of dad and kids meandered into the Men’s washroom with Sela at full volume wail. Sebastian, Jasper and Carys excitedly stripped and jumped into a warm shower. Sela wanted two showers – one all to herself with her own siblings of her choice joining HER SHOWER. Picture this: the washroom is a small facility with three toilets, three urinals, three showers, three sinks and a bunch benches and lockers. The walls are cement with nothing to absorb sound – this thing is an amplifier. Sela screamed for twenty minutes. NOTHING would calm her down – loving hugs, tough love, distractions like a comb to brush her hair… blah, blah, blah. She refused to get into the shower (this after saying all afternoon, "I want a shower… I want a shower…" She refused to stop crying. Knowing that she likes to be a drama queen, burrowing her head into a sofa when melting down, I folded a towel next to her. She keeled over and screamed into the towel, muffled herself, then turned her head to the side to return to original volume. There was a lovely gentleman changing and showering who, well, didn’t have such a relaxing time. Meanwhile the rest of the ABC heard Sela screaming.

Finally, I laid down the law. "Everyone, we’re not staying for dinner. Sela has lost the privilege to stay for dinner and I can’t leave the rest of you so we’re going home." The other three were not impressed (but reacted remarkably well to the news) and Sela kept on screaming. One by one the kids got dressed, we got in the car and drove home. (I called Tess to warn her.) Halfway home Sela figured out what had happened and turned into "sweet as pie" but at the dinner table she refused to eat her dinner (she also refused to eat her lunch and went down for her nap hungry.) When the attitude re-surfaced at dinner I gave Sela one chance to redeem herself… she crawled into her chair and started eating.

Tess appeared and we had "the lecture." Had we had both been at the ABC, one of us would have come home with Sela. We explained this to the kids as they munched away. Sela had already apologised earlier to me, but Tess suggested an apology was owed to Sebastian, Jasper and Carys. Sela hesitated not a moment with, "Sorry Carys, sorry Jasper, sorry, Sebastian," looking at each one determinedly. That wasn’t enough for JJ who looked up from his dinner and shot back, "Louder, Sela!"

The world is small, see it all…

We’ve had a busy weekend. Last night, spur of the moment, Sebastian, Jasper and I headed out to the Aberdeen Boat Club for a one hour swim and supper. Seb had been desperate to go swimming for about two to three weeks (since the last time we swam) and his close to polite pleads turned into a spontaneous Boys Night Out. The two boys got along very, very well… in fact probably better than ever before. While at the ABC, I inquired about breakfast. This was something else Sebastian asked me about a few days ago… "Can we go to the ABC for breakfast someday?" I wondered to myself where that idea came from. The ABC crew told me breakfast started at 7:30 AM on Sundays. I checked over the breakfast menu and decided we’d go for it. This morning when the kids awoke at 6:45 AM, I informed them that the five of us would have breakfast at the ABC. We quickly changed and left Tess to sleep for a few extra hours. Excitedly arriving at the ABC we discovered the Saturday night crew had been misinformed… breakfast started until 8 AM. But they took one look at the four hungry, getting grumpy kids and said, "We’ll start early… what would you like?" After wolfing down waffles and OJ , the kids spent two hours playing in the ABC playground while I watched them, sipping my coffee and catching up on my study of The Purpose Driven Life. At one point JJ rested in the shade to read a book. A picture of that is above with JJ pretending to be a rabbit. After church, Tess and I ended up back at the ABC to spend a few hours swimming. We tried water wings on the triplets. Jasper wasn’t so keen on that idea but the girls loved it. We had a quick dinner and headed home in time for everyone to be asleep well before normal bedtime.

The video below is worth watching. I found it on a blog I bump into every once in a while. I like it not just due to the melancholy nature, but also because I love the music of Deep Forest. I first discovered them in 1993. Considering how much I travel, I am trying to figure out how I could do a similar video. Any suggestions? Either way, great video that drives the point home… it’s a small world, see it all… any way you can.

Seb & JJ School Photos

I am so far behind on blogging it is ridiculous. I owe you many things stretching back to last summer and most recently Sela and Carys starting school. I don’t see much relief coming for about 1 – 2 months (tomorrow I am off to India for the week) so in the meantime, I’ll just have to satisfy you with more pictures of the kids. At left you’ll see school photos for Sebastian (top) and Jasper. For Sebastian, it’s a miracle he looks so good. That day he wasn’t even supposed to be going to school due to an admission interview for next year’s school.

At the 11th hour Sebastian reminded us it was picture taking day. We rushed to his school and within a few seconds SWCK re-arranged the photo schedule (including Seb’s class getting their group photo taken first instead of somewhere else in the que) to insure he departed in time for his interview. As for Jasper, this was one of his first days at school and he was still settling in. The class photo for JJ is terrific, but we can’t show all the other kids on the Internet without parental permission. You’ll just have to come visit us to see that picture.

What do you want, Krispy Kreme?

Did you know it is officially De-lurkers Week? That means, MoZiLLa, that you have to comment on my blog again. And as for the rest of you, no more excuses that you don’t know how! Click the comment button at the end of this post.

Prior to the Saturday night sleepover, the kids were treated to an afternoon at Krispy Kreme donuts. Joel & Odila are very loving friends of ours from Union Church. Odila, a gorgeous and wonderfully self-expressed Brazilian, has commented on occasion that we are too harsh with our kids. "Your kids are wonderful, you are doing such a great job with them, and I think you are just a little too tough!" she’ll smile assertively. This has been going on now since Thanksgiving when we attended a large dinner at mutual friends. Parents reading this will know well the games their kids play when it comes to eating and learning about boundaries. At this particular dinner the trips were all acting up and Tess and I weren’t giving them an inch to play with. (At left, the lovely and talented Odila surrounded by donut munching kids!)

There have been several occasions since that dinner when we saw Odila & Joel, each time Odila teasing me about being too harsh with the kids. Finally one day she said, "You know what I would like to do? I would like to take all your kids to Krispy Kreme donuts for an afternoon where anything goes… they can eat and drink whatever and as much as they want!" We joked about such an excursion, and then finally last Saturday afternoon the idea was fully baked.

Around 3:30 pm we dropped off all four kids in Mid Levels at the newest Krispy Kreme location in Hong Kong. Two of the kids’ friends from Union Church also joined the donut-fest. After determining the kids would be okay without us – especially the trips since they don’t know Odila and Joel that well – Tess and I escaped to a nearby Starbucks for thirty minutes of Grande Non-Fat Vanilla Latte therapy. (At left, handsome and cuddly Joel, surrounded by sugar-charged kids.)

By the end of the afternoon Sebastian consumed three donuts and half a hot chocolate. Jasper and Sela each had two donuts. Sela had one (she wanted to watch her diet) and never again will we need to worry about the triplets not knowing who Joel & Odila are – they are forever burned into the triplets’ Krispy Kreme’d minds. (At left, Olivia, Christopher and Sebastian spinning from their sugar fix!)

After futile attempts to clean sugar off the kids – it was everywhere but that’s okay – we all sauntered off to a small playground across the street with a merry-go-round. Two speeds were permitted, slow for little kids and very fast for big kids. Jasper had one try at very fast and didn’t like when he reached terminal velocity. Remarkably, all donuts remained in small tummies. Sela demonstrated her gymnastic abilities to an adoring audience, including a final pose of "Ta daaa!" The kids had a terrific afternoon and all thanked Joel & Odila for the very special treat. They want this to be a regular event.

Speaking of wants, and National De-Lurkers Week, what do you want? Instead of setting New Year’s Resolutions last week I chose to stay the course of current goals. but upon reflection of the question, "what do you want?" I came up with the following answer.

Believe it or not, I want change. Right now I need to work… I want to change that so I don’t need to work, or that there is less pressure to work and realise financial goals. Right now I have several unpublished books trapped inside me… I want to change that and publish those books. Right now my family are healthy and generally happy, but we have lots of stress in our lives… I want to change that so we have more joy and happiness, less stress in our lives. Some of the stress is from clutter… I want to change that and get rid of the clutter. And finally, right now I am not pursuing my spiritual calling fast enough. I want to change that, too.

"They" often say that humans don’t like change. I’m not sure that’s true and certainly is not the case in my life! I want and will embrace change. Happy New Year everyone, what do you want?

What Planet Am I On?

Today was one of those surreal days… as if today is different from any other day, though… I don’t think so. Since returning from the Gold Coast I have orbited through Hong Kong for eight days and tomorrow I leave again. Orbit is exactly how it feels, coming close to the planet/home base but knowing that soon some type of gravitational force will shortly pull me away. Things are moving pretty quickly and all those plans I had to clean up my clutter, spend more time with the kids and family… well it’s happening and it isn’t.

Today was actually a pretty extraordinary day. Right now it’s 9:45 pm in Hong Kong… the trips went to bed an hour late and Sebastian is watching Veggie Tales… he should have been in bed 1.5 hours ago but you know what… I don’t care… tonight I’m gonna let him have his way and fall asleep watching TV. I’ve Mr. Drill Sergeant today and need to let up a little. Tess is quite tired and currently sleeping. (Ed note: Seb ended up volunteering to go to bed – with NO toy – at 10 pm.)

My HR team had a guest in from US HR this week and she’s very, very good at her job. We have this list in HK called the Pain Reduction Matrix… it’s a list of more than two dozen horrible time wasters… monkeys that we just can’t get off our back. Well, our US guest, being so good at her HR systems job, has found a way to eliminate most if not all of the Pain Reduction Matrix. BTW, my boss hates when I call it the Pain Reduction Matrix… he wants me to call it the Task Reduction Matrix! Sure… no problem… I’ll do that at work but not on my blog. (Note small print in profile!) Anyway, this morning some of the team arranged to meet at The Peak to go for a walk… something that I’ve wanted to do for a while with the Kettler Trike but we’ve just never quite made it past Bowen Road. Tess and I talked and decided to go for it.

We had a terrific time… took a little longer than we expected but fun nonetheless. Friend and colleague Paul brought Isabella who is somewhat of a “girlfriend” for Sebastian. At one point Sebastian and Isabella decided to run ahead together as opposed to riding trikes, and Sela actually piloted the Kettler for a good half hour. Amazing! Jasper had a hand at driving when Sela and Carys decided to run for a while and he did quite well. We wrapped up the two-hour walk/ride with wee wees and a quick snack. Tess left us halfway through to join a friend (Stephay for some online Amazing Race fun so on our way home we picked Tess up. The kids had leftover pizza for lunch and then raised havoc when they were supposed to be napping. Tess was wiped after naptime… not that the little rascals did any napping… so I did something I never thought I would do with the kids at this age… I took four kids grocery shopping by myself.

We had a little pow wow beforehand where all parties involved were forewarned that good behaviour, plus eating all their dinner, would be rewarded with ice cream for dessert. We drove to PNS (Park ‘N Shop) where Sela metled down in the parking lot because she couldn’t sit in her chosen spot. (This was not a big shop so I planned on all three in a shopping cart and Seb helping to push.) I said, “Sela, you either sit here or we go home.” This went on for two minutes.

Sela dug her heals in. “Okay then,” I replied, “we go home.” I put her back in her car seat, and Carys, too, which set her off. I explained to Sebastian that we had to go home and he started to cry. Jasper sat in the shopping cart bewildered. Somewhere in the middle of all the screaming Sela conceded, sat where I asked her to and we were on our way. I think Sela was a little miffed I was willing to Abort Mission so close to the store. Sebastian, however, is well accustomed to that practise.

The most important prop for this mission was The Lollipop. Once out of the parking lot (called a "car park" in Hong Kong) I pulled out the lollies. Everyone was happy but Seb was the first one to ask for the pink lolly. Therefore, I gave it to him. Sela went into orbit with anger and refused to eat her lolly. Finally I said to Sebastian, “Seb, forget it, we have to go home. Sela won’t eat her lolly because she doesnt have the pink one. She’s just going to cry the whole time and be uncooperative so we are going back.” We were 20 steps from the store front at this point with Seb just ahead of us. I pulled the shopping cart to a halt and started in reverse.

Then Seb did the most amazing thing. Unprompted he surrendered his pink lolly. “NO! No… no…” said Sebastian soothingly running back to the cart, “Here Sela!” and instantly traded lollies with her. Sela stopped crying, thanked Seb who muttered, “that’s ok” and we were on our way.

The kids were incredibly well behaved in the store – duh, no surprise with lollies in their hands! Thirty minutes later we loaded the grocery bags into the back of the car when there was a shattering pop… a bottle of sparkling San Pelligrono dropped through the bottom of a shopping bag and bounced on the pavement. On the second bounce glass and sparkling water exploded – in slow motion no less – all over the ground and my brand new MBT shoes.

I received my free MBT shoes on Friday after going to MBT’s Hong Kong office and receiving a lesson in how to walk with the curved sole. I opted for the leather business casual style since most of the walking I do surrounds work. I also didn’t want to get new and expensive running shoes muddy on HK trails where I do most of my running. You can imagine my reaction to see my new shoes covered in broken glass and water. Actually you probably can’t… I didn’t really react at all. After all… the shoes were free, it was only water, and any scratches from the glass would probably come from normal wear and tear in a few months anyway.

The kids were amazed at the science of glass and water splattered across the carpark pavement behind the car. This kept them quite distracted as I seated everyone back into the car. At home they had spaghetti and sausages for dinner and yes, ice cream, too, once Jasper accepted he had to finish dinner to get dessert. The triplets fell asleep in a moment and I let Sebastian watch TV while I tried to bring some normalcy back into my life by writing a blog. It’s also Remembrance Day today, too.