I was hoping to get much more mileage out of The Lark piece below, but alas, other things to write about. I am sitting on the Aberdeen Boat Club playground after swimming for an hour with the kids. I made the decision that I had to remove the kids from our household for the whole day to give G&M a full break in addition to their day off tomorrow. This week we had an episode of amah drama… in a nutshell, the wife (Marianne) of our new husband/wife team, who are replacing Lita & De, wants to leave. She told Tess the job was too stressful and she is having a hard time adjusting to all of it: the kids, the pressure, the busyness and especially the cooking because she is not a cook by nature.
This news landed on Tess as she was about to leave for a weekend Christian mission trip to China. I arrived home last night about 1 AM from my China business trip after Tess left. I had a work issue that kept me up until 3:30 AM. I slept until 8 AM then we left for triplet swimming lessons. Seb dutyfully watched a portable DVD (Veggie Tales) while we swam. This week was Jasper’s turn to swim with dad. Sela melted down at this reminder. She refused to swim with Marianne: cried, whined, screamed. By the time the whole thing was over we’d missed half the lesson.
When we arrived home I sent the kids to the playground with Gary so Marianne and I could talk. Her explanation was amazingly mature and insightful. Most amah dramas shift blame. Her’s didn’t. She told me: (1) "I am insecure when reacting to your children. I really believe they don’t like me." This didn’t surprise me. The kids’ treatment of our helpers is atrocious, with Carys probably the exception. Everything we do fails to get the kids to love & respect them. Lately they’ve been particularly beligerant not only to G&M, but also Tess & me.
(2) "I am not learning how to cook fast enough." I thought things were going okay here but Marianne elaborated…
(3) "Tess needs someone she can rely on and offload things to. I don’t think I am a good enough helper for what Tess needs."
There was no drama… just very specific issues presented in a way where Marianne was seeking responsibility. We talked about it for a while and I assured her not to worry about the situation. I knew she needed space. I packed up stuff for the day: fresh swim suits, books, sweaters in case it got chilly, loaded the kids in the car and we left.
Our first stop was Chi Fu, a local, large residential complex with a small shopping mall good for inexpensive stuff. After going to an ATM for cash we went hunting for books. I bought each one of the kids a drawing/writing book and multi-coloured pen. (The kind that has 6 different coloured pens in the one pen.) We drove to the ABC, sitting ourselves down in a booth for lunch. I wrote the kids’ names on each book and showed them how to use the pens. Intrigued, they wanted to try them right away. "Not yet," I replied, "first we have to have a talk because I have something sad to tell you."
For the next fifteen minutes while we waited for lunch, I talked to the kids about their recent behavior. I had each one of them remember moments of unacceptable behavior. Sebastian was the first to deny his guilt. "Who scratched Gary on Wednesday night? Who wrote on the wall after Gary painted it, making it so beautiful?" I asked. "I did," replied Sebastian.
Next Jasper denied being unkind to G&M. I looked at him, "Jasper, who had two fights with mommy this week? Who hit mommy at dinner? Who told Marianne ‘I don’t like you?’ hnnnnh?" His face sank. He knew he was busted. Then Sela tried her hand at denial, to which she was trumped. Carys emerged relatively unscathed until I asked them about whining and whinging and yelling. They sat there, staring at me, not sure what was next. "Have you been treating G&M nicely?" They all sheepishly admitted their guilt. Then the punchline…
"The sad part about this whole thing, is that Marianne thinks you don’t like her…" I explained as simply and clearly as I could. The triplets struggled with this notion, but Sebastian sat there stone faced. "You know what I am talking about don’t you, Sebastian?" His sad little face nodded. After that I said all the right things I could think of… including how privileged they were to have G&M, to live in Hong Kong, to have so many things done for them. I explained that things were going to change and they would be expected to help out A LOT more. Finally they all agreed in their child-like way that we needed to apologise and ask forgiveness." Sebastian said a little prayer, and remarkably each triplet responded with their own mumbled prayer. Lunch arrived – chinese style fried rice, hold the veggies. I served the rice and said, "THIS… IS… YOUR… LUNCH… if you don’t like it, you WILL be hungry." They wolfed it down.
Following lunch we had a wonderful 30 – 45 minutes of relatively quiet time as they each drew in their new books with their new pens. I thought this time was quite good because it balanced out the mild rebuking with quiet fun. Then it was off to swimming and the playground.
You might be wondering about Carys in all this, who is actually quite well behaved towards the world. At one point when she had to do a wee wee, she and I had a few minutes alone. While she sat on the toilet I kneeled before her at eye-level. I thanked her for treating G&M and Tess nicely. "You’re very good about those things Carys. Can you please help Seb, JJ and Sela be good about those things, too?" She replied with a relieved "yes."
Flash forward: it is now 9 pm and the kids are in bed. In the middle of writing the above, Sebastian and Jasper had an incident of mutual and unjustified aggression. I pulled them into the penalty box for a time-out. They joked about it. Warning 1. They joked about it some more. Warning 2. They kept on joking. Busted… they had just lost the privilege of staying at the ABC for dinner. Unhappiness descended upon them. Had Tess been there I would have come home with the boys and she would have stayed for dinner with the girls. I dwelled on what to do, aware that it was risky to dump two sullen toddlers on G&M then still have dinner with the girls. Finally after ten minutes I gathered all four in a circle. I explained what would have happened had Tess been there. "Instead," I said, "this cost the whole team dinner at the ABC." They all accepted that but weren’t thrilled. (Above: Sebastian & Jasper contemplate being busted during their time-outs while Carys & Sela continue to play.)
At home the kids had dinner. Gary immediately grabbed all our gear to look after it. "Uh, thanks Gary but the kids will clean that up," I said. Sela had a meltdown because she got orange yoghurt instead of purple yoghurt so I put her to bed. The remaining three then helped me unpack our gear. JJ and Carys then went to bed. Lately we’ve been helping Sebastian a lot with practise printing… tonight’s practise involved writing Gary two apology notes. Remarkably Seb wrote them with much more enthusiasm than most of what he has previously written. (Click on the pics to see the enlarged versions.)
This whole thing, and the quite difficult week that lay in my wake, has me re-assessing what exactly Tess and I are doing in Hong Kong with our family. We have friends who have seen their children develop very poorly in relation to the concept of helpers. In one case HK-based parents (Canadian citizens) were back in Canada for Christmas several years ago. Their kids refused to help clean-up after a holiday dinner, while the Canadian in-law kids cleaned up voluntarily. Those parents came back to Hong Kong, immediately handed in notice to their employers and were back in Canada permanently within 30 days. Sometimes I look at my four and wonder if we are on the same path. Who knows… I am so tired right now that I can’t really draw any conclusions. But I have one thing to add… this will probably drive the non-Christians crazy…
I am really clear that God has laid a path before me, with specific accomplishments to achieve. Until I complete those tasks no doors will open and I’ll be frustrated as all get out. But this past week something very, very profound happened to me that has been brewing for a few months, probably as profound or more profound than my original 1982 calling. God said scripturally and very simply offered a one degree course correction, "this way."
"Uh, hello, wait a minute, who is calling?"
"Go this way, Charles, it will help you get the tasks done."
"Okay, wait a minute you can’t just say…"
"This way, Charles, go this way to get it done."
"B-b-but, um… er… uh… huh, huh, huh…"
"This way, Charles."
"Just like that?"
"Just like that."
"That way?"
"That way."
"Now?"
"Now."
Reader interactions
14 Replies to “Dark, dark day…”
You lead a very busy life. Hong Kong sounds exciting. I visited China this summer, but we only went to Beijing and Xian. I will have to hit Hong Kong and Shanghai another time.
michele sent me.
I wish there were more parents like you in this world!
What a wonderful, wonderful post. You are a fantastic father. Those kiddies are damn lucky to have a dad like you.
xx
Hi Charles…
Tertia sent me your way. I’m so glad she did. We, too, are struggling with knowing if it’s time to go. I hope God knocks me over the head, too.
I agree with Tertia, Charles, and I hope you find a way to bring up your children in a way that makes them feel helpful towards others and not entitled to service. I can certainly see how being raised in a home with servants could warp their ideas of how the world works. I wish God would talk to me that clearly.
Michele sent me.
Wish I could give you a pat on the back, you’re doing a great job with your four children. I understand about the “helper” dilemma. We had a Thai ESL student live with us for a couple years while attending high school here in Victoria. It took him a couple months to get used to the fact that he was assigned chores right along with my two kids. He was an only child, had seven maids in his house in Bangkok, so Canada and chores was a huge cultural shock. But he came around, and even learnt how to make his own meals, clean his bathroom and how to operate a vacuum cleaner and washing machine (although 15 pairs of jeans in one load wasn’t that good for my washing machine).
Hope everything works out with your direction from God.
funny thing? I was reading your post while you were reading mine! Insightful!
I wrote an essay about not throwing rocks once. Then I had to get it signed by my mother.
Michele sent me here for bad memories.
Hi Charles, Michele sent me over.
Skipping back to your Lark post, I’m amazed to see how similar your current car is to the Lark your parents had when you were a kid. That partially open roof thing the Lark had looks neat. I never saw that before on a car of that vintage.
Sorry to hear about the tough times.. A few thoughts:
– it sounds like you are a star at parenting! Despite the lack of sleep and home logistics worries you are so patient with your kids
– don’t forget that lack of sleep can make things seem much worse than they really are. Careful with making big decisions on a tired mind!
– I hope you are finding the right path for you
– who is michele??
Hi Charles, Your children are very fortunate to have such loving, thoughtful and talented parents; but then as my beautiful nieces and nephews they deserve no less. It may take awhile for any anger around De and Lita’s leaving to work it’s way through their tiny ability to reason. In the meantime, what a great job you have both done at setting limits under very trying conditions. To help you put things into perspective, B & G still leave stuff around, argue and sometimes treat each other abominably. G has taken to talking back (that 6 year old thing) and B is often sulky and unremorseful (that 13 year old thing). No presence or absence of ohma’s will change those wonderful parts of child behaviour!
So what was the direction?
Love to all, C
the helper thing seems a tricky thing to negotiate. i’m glad you had the children apologize to G & M. they need to learn from you and tess that nastiness toward parents and amahs is not ok. good that M was able to maturely say what her concerns were, very good. hopefully the whole situation can improve. as for the direction…prayers for the strength to obey.
Keep up the fantastic work !
Love Auntie Pammie xo
Charles, you really are an amazingly patient and insightful father and I think you are doing a great job with all 4 kids. I don’t know what to say about the helper dliemma but I know that teaching our kids respect and compassion and kindess is a universal requirement, no matter whether to helpers, teachers, strangers, family, or friends. I hope that the adjustment for you to G & M and for G & M to you continues and improves over the next couple of weeks.
I am anxious to hear what God is calling you towards this time!